The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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