My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is Oprah even human
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
