I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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