Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
