Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album