I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
