No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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