I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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