I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
