I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
