Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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