It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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