The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We left the knife in your bed.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
