I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
