i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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