You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
