I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
