I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
