I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
