I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
