I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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