so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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