i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
