she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
