I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
