She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You have to summon your inner elephant
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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