I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize