Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
