i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
