My friends, they love my intelligence
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
