i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
