i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
