Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
