Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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