So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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