I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
