Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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