im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
