my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
