i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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