I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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