wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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