i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Acid is not a monday night drug
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
