it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
