I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
