o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I would ride that face into the sunset
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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