i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
