Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
