Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
