my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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