it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
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He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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