The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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