My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
