so that wasnt chicken after all
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hippo gnu deer
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
