You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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