while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
