he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
