I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
